oh god the rape fog is back!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
