I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
