I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
