i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
This is the high leading the old right now
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
