Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
