im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
