Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
