he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
