Soap is not a condiment
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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