I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
