Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
