I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
