Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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