I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
