There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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