I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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