Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
