Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
