I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
