So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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