it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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