My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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