dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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