i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
