everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
