Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
