just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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