I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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