the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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