We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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