He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
