Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
