Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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