Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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