Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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