I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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