my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
