yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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