I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
