She went from zero to smokin in five shots
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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