its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
