Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
and you fell through a lawn chair
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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