While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
