I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
