A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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