I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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