My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
