I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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