The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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