And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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