why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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