I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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