So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize